I try to ignore Jake’s smug look when I saunter into the open-plan living space, finally awake from my
two-hour nap on his bed. I had a tantrum on the way home, making him walk with me while I refused to
get in the car, while Jefferson drove alongside at the pace of a snail. It was utterly ridiculous, but I was
adamant that Jake wouldn’t tell me what to do and he walked alongside me with hands in pockets;
daring not to argue.
I’ve woken up feeling a hundred times angrier and more emotional, whether it’s delayed shock or my
brain unraveling slowly I have no clue. I only know that I feel like breaking down and sobbing about
everything and eating a lot of ice cream … with chips … and hot sauce … And maybe a bowl of
pistachios too. I suddenly want food more than anything; again. Food and some damn mental rest. This
is completely exhausting, like I am going through some sort of grief that I can’t understand.
He’s standing in the kitchen, with a very smiley Daniel Hunter sitting across from him at the breakfast
bar, and it only makes me tense up. The causal way Jake is sitting his butt against the sink sipping
coffee and Daniel’s relaxed posture on the stool facing him, looks so normal, so unaffected and
“everyday”.
Assholes.
“What are you doing here?” I snort at Daniel with an expression of utter disgust. I know it’s completely
none of my business, this is Jake’s apartment and Jake’s friendship after all, and honestly, I can’t
imagine Jake inviting him here while things between us are an absolute hot mess. Plus, until Daniel
grovels at Leila’s feet, he’s no longer on my ‘I almost like you’ list. I’m not entirely sure of when he got
on that list it but he’s certainly off it again now. I wander into the kitchen past Jake without meeting his
smug look and yank open the fridge in search of food, ignoring the smirk or whatever cutesy look he’s
trying to give me.
Piss off. Asshole. Know it all. Will this hunger ever calm the hell down? I swear I know what vampires
must feel like now.
“Hi to you too, now is that the heartbroken Emma biting, or the hormonal one? I hear congrats are in
order.” I spin and scowl at Daniel, then Jake; for even daring to let that idiot in on our personal matters.
So, he told his bestie and now they’re out here having some little womanly chat over fatherhood and
broken-hearted girls! Dickheads.
“Both.” I turn back to the fridge, rummaging through the tubs and trays Nora has stocked it with, finding
a tub of cold chicken salad and digging in with my fingers. My eyes still searching for something more
satisfying … preferably something greasy.
“I love her just as much when she’s being this adorable.” Jake smirks and I catch Daniel frowning.
“You’re totally under the thumb dude. Your life is going to be a living hell if she gives you a girl, two to
one and with that attitude, you’ll have no chance.” I slam the bowl down, my inner emotion hitting hard,
a lump catching in my throat; irrational feelings bruised so bloody easily.
“I’m sure Marissa will even up the odds by giving him a boy.” I snap, slamming the refrigerator door
before turning to walk off with tears in my eye.
“Hey…” Jake catches me mid-storm and pulls me into his arms, cradling me against his chest,
smoothing a hand down the back of my neck. Bringing some calm to my outburst with his gentle
touching relaxed tone. I don’t fight him, just sag against him, but I refuse to put my arms around him or
my hands on him. I close my eyes pushing my face against his chest instead.
Is this a compromise on the touching thing?
“Nap didn’t help huh?” He soothes me and my fire dies. I shake my head and press my face against
him, turning my cheek, letting a little of my tears run free before trying to sniff them back. His hand
travels down my back, and he slowly circles the base of my spine with light caressing, bringing some
calm to my inner chaos and taut frayed emotions. I wish I could get a handle on things for five minutes.
“Chicks are cra—” Daniel is frowning at me.
“You finish that, and I won’t have to hurt you, Emma might snap your head off your neck, the way she’s
feeling,” Jake warns as he tightens his hold a little. He emanates a little irritation and I know it’s aimed
at Daniel; always protective even if it’s just over my feelings.
“Guess I better get used to crazy women if I’m going to go ahead with my plan, right, Jake?” Daniel
doesn’t sound so smug anymore, his voice uneasy and a little nervous. I twist in Jake’s arms to glare at
him suspiciously under furrowed brows.
“What plan? What’s he talking about?” I look up at Jake accusingly, whatever Daniel is up to I know
Jake will surely be involved. He doesn’t look phased at all, just sips more coffee and gazes at Daniel
for a moment.
“You going to tell her, or am I?” Jake smiles over the top of my head and then looks down at me when I
don’t hear Daniel respond.
“Danny has put himself into therapy … The goal is to not run screaming for the hills when he convinces
Leila to give him another shot.”
“Hey,” I say to Sarah when she answers the phone. Her sweet hello makes me smile. I am missing her
like crazy, even though it’s only been two weeks since Jake brought me here. I’ve been hiding, mulling
things over, trying to get my head around everything that is my life, before reaching out to her or
anyone else. I swore Jake to secrecy about the baby until I could let it sink in and see how things went
between us. I need time and he’s giving it to me.
“Hey you. How’s it all going? I didn’t want to call after your text in case you two needed some time
alone.” She responds with a gentle tone, the one she uses when she thinks I’m fragile.
Oh, are you about to find out how fragile I am.?
“I’m getting there. It’s been a bit up and down. I’m still taking crazy angry turns at Jake, but I have to
admit he’s been the model of absolute patience.” I sigh, and think back over the last couple of weeks,
cringing. Jake has been understanding. He’s keeping his distance unless I initiate touch which is rare,
still no kissing, and no sex. He’s enduring my cyclone of moods like a champ. I can’t fault him at all.
Jake has been everything he promised; patient, understanding, calm, non-demanding and gentle,
sometimes a little too gentle.
He is letting me behave appallingly towards him; not yelling back when I need to shout at him, not
reacting when I slap his hands away, or when I avoided his touch, and surprising me with take-out
whenever he has to go out. He brings me everything I crave, at any hour, night, or day, even when he
has to drive thirty minutes to go fetch it. He moved to another bedroom for the first two nights of me
being here, until I woke from another night terror and crawled in beside him, sobbing my heart out.
After that he refuses to sleep apart again so on that front I relented. Sleeping apart was miserable
anyway, not only because of the dreams but because I missed having him nearby even when I wanted
to throw things at him. Even in bed though, he’s kept his distance for the most part.
“He should be, seeing as he’s the one who did this to you.” She soothes.
Oh, the irony.
“Sarah … talking of things Jake’s done to me…” I break off and inhale slowly. I still haven’t got my head
around this little detail, petrified by the idea, still not sure if I’ve absorbed it at all.
“Please tell me he hasn’t done anything else that stupid?” Sarah gasps, suddenly in ferocious mode,
her tone almost a growl. I can picture that sweet face twisting in rage and over protectiveness.
Well actually…
“I’m pregnant,” I blurt it out, breathing out so it comes out like a whoosh noise. I figure using the whole
ripping off a Band-Aid method is probably best; say it quickly and it won’t be as bad.
“Say again?” Sarah halts with a sharp intake of breath.
“I’m going to have Jake’s baby.” Another quick whoosh of breath in a zombie-like monotone.
God, even the way I say it sounds like I’m in complete disbelief, trying the words out for the first time
after two weeks of mulling this over.
There’s an eerie silence for a moment and I’m not sure if Sarah’s there anymore; maybe she’s passed
out, but I didn’t hear a thud. The inner swirl of fear I’ve been harboring for the last two weeks rises,
getting ready to spill over.
“You know … ordinarily, anyone else saying this to me, especially with all you two have going on would
make me feel a bit…well, upset. But I have this weird sense of happiness right now that I really can’t
explain.” the slow swell of joy in her tone as she lets my news sink in. She sounds almost as confused
at her reaction as I have been the past weeks here.
“You’re happy?” I question flatly, not sure of what response I wanted from her. Now I’m confused, and
suddenly a little irritated. Sarah was always the word of reason and wisdom. Now she’s being a Jake.
“I think you need this, Ems.” She encourages, softly, with a gentle tone.
I am beyond stupefied right now.
“I need an unplanned pregnancy?” I repeat like a completely brainless dimwit who can’t absorb
anything she’s saying, an edgy tone to my voice. I am trying to figure out how her brain works.
“No. I mean I used to think you needed someone like Jake to bring out the inner you, but now I think,
this here, this is what’s going to bridge that last gap. Motherhood Emma. I think you need motherhood.”
She sounds sure, enlightened, as though she’s just had the most amazing epiphany.
I don’t think so!
I have no words; my brain is whirring and whizzing at my friend’s idiotic logic.
“We’re not in the nineteen fifties. I won’t have a fulfilling life if I just get married and pop out babies,” I
snap a little too aggressively, trying to reel in the anger I’ve been going through a lot lately; annoyed at
myself for getting snippy with her. But really, she has the most idiotic logic ever, it wouldn’t surprise me
if in her next breath, she tries to marry me off to him!
“No that’s not what I mean, look, stop getting upset. I just mean that part of you, maybe, needs
unconditional love and the nurturing maternal stuff that comes with being a mom. That with Jake and a
baby you’ll maybe find that place you’ve been looking for. What he can’t give you himself he can give
you by making you a mother.” She leaves me dumbfounded, so sure of her crazy ideology.
I run a hand over my face in agitation and rub at my closed eyes. Sarah has really lost her mind.
“I have no idea what you’re on but send some my way. I could do with that kind of special this morning,”
I snap grumpily, hostility in full flow, only she giggles at the other end.
“Oh, my God, poor Jake. Emma, really? In less than five minutes I can only imagine the crazy mess
he’s dealing with. All those versions of you colliding dramatically with hormonal imbalance thrown in
and you’ve probably no idea how to handle it at all. No wonder you’re being so pissy.” Her tone seems
to quell my anger and despite myself I smile. Sarah, of all people, knows me well and she’s
right.
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