Arrick’s POV
~ After the nightclub ~
I sink back on the couch and stare into the semi darkness, cradling my second coffee since we got
back here, and try like hell to sober myself up. Head swimming and sinking slowly into the softness of
my couch, while trying to get a grip on reality. All I have done since we got home is sit here and try to
pull all the shit in my head back together. Try to make sense of the entire night that pretty much went to
crap from the moment I downed the first vodka.
Drink and I are not friends right now, and if I have any chance of salvaging anything, then I need to
sober up fast. Sophie is in the shower, she headed there as soon as we got back, and I sat here
waiting for her. I need to talk to her, to figure some of this out and I have no clue what to do. Tonight,
taught me a couple of things.
One. That drunk, I feel about Sophie the way she feels about me and I want her in every way;
physically, mentally, every way, but when I’m sober that inability to cross the emotional line with her
wins me round and puts me back on the side of being unable to go there. Sober I let my head rule and
my heart goes back into submission.
Two. I also care about Natasha, and there is enough doubt in me, that we are falling apart due to
relationship neglect to not dismiss her entirely. There is a fear that if I go down the route with Sophie, I
will regret and miss what I had with Tasha. That I will realize I love her and ruin three lives for one
fleeting moment of selfishness.
Three. I’m a shit head of epic proportions, because I am literally unable to pick a girl, pick a feeling, and
fucking stick with it. I was always decisive in life and did the right thing, but when faced with this
dilemma, I have turned into a giant asshole with no ability to choose anything anymore. I do not know
which way to go in any direction. I thought I made a choice tonight and it felt final. Then Sophie and
that guy, and here we are. I ran off leaving Tasha in a nightclub with my phone and wallet somehow,
and all I can think about is how much of an asshole that makes me, yet, when I was doing it I gave not
one shit about it. So sick of this overwhelming guilt that consumes me all the time.
Sophie appears in the space in front of me, wrapped in my bathrobe, clean and damp haired from the
shower she took. She’s been a while; god knows exactly how long in there as I was lost in my own
head and trying to get less drunk with a shit ton of coffee. She looks like her normal young self;
innocent and fragile, and I my insides sink lower.
“You feeling any better?” Her eyes meet mine and for once I feel nothing but overwhelming shitness at
this whole sorry situation. I wish I could be transported anywhere but here and not have to deal with
this at all.
“I’m okay. You can stop worrying about me.... Did you call Natasha?” She gazes at me pointedly,
another wave of utter shitness at my behavior and another reason to sink lower in my seat. Ashamed of
who I am right now.
“I’ve lost my phone, somewhere between smashing some asshole, and running out of a club after you.”
I shrug, assuming when I hauled my jacket up, the contents I stupidly left behind were my phone and
wallet, containing my key card to enter my own apartment. If Natasha has them then she might save
me the job of cancelling all my cards and cell and having to get all new tomorrow morning. I don’t want
to even think about it until I’ve slept.
“I’m hoping she has it and has sense to realize I followed you.” I lean forward and deposit my mug on
the table, second coffee making me nauseous and at least I’m not as drunk as I was, although I’m still
pretty far gone by normal standards. Heads still surreal, room still sliding like I’m at sea, and insides
doing a rhumba. I glance up, catching Sophie’s eyes on my hands and look down at them too. Bruised
up, cut and messy from bare knuckle punches. It doesn’t hurt anywhere near as bad as they look at all,
but just the sight of them reminds me how close I was to doing the worst thing I would have ever done
in my life. I get up and shake them, as though trying to also shake that thought away.
“I wanted to kill him.” I catch her eyes again, stating the obvious with only seriousness in my tone.
“I saw.” She frowns, looking emotional as her eyes glaze a little, and it cuts me to the quick that it’s
affected her this much. That he’s hurt her this way.
“I would have killed him, Sophs, if you hadn’t gotten in the way, if you hadn’t stood between us. I’ve
never wanted to hurt someone so badly in my life and I didn’t care about the outcome at all.” I look at
my hands again, ashamed to admit that I would have gone that far, lost so much control, but for her I
would do it all over again. “What’s happening to us?”
I look up at her forlornly, consumed with everything of the past weeks and so out of my depths in every
way when it comes to her anymore. We were always something special, but this, us, what we are now,
it’s falling apart around me.
“I don’t know.” Tears fill her eyes and I just want to wipe them away, aching for how we used to be.
Before this mess. Knowing her tears are for the same reason my heart is bleeding, we both know that
we’re losing each other over this whole thing and it’s agony.
“It used to be easy. Even when I came and pushed off assholes hassling you, it never felt like tonight
did. Why did we have to change? Why did how this feels have to change?” The emotion overtakes me,
and I’m emotionally wrecked and torn up inside. Longing for an easier time between us, when my life
was straightforward, and no one was getting hurt. When I didn’t have to choose or dissect our lives and
what we all mean to one another.
A tear rolls down Sophies cheek, hurting me too and she shakes her head sadly. No more able to
answer the questions than I am. Our situation is hopeless and there are no easy answers or resolutions
to any of this shit.
“I thought I knew what you were to me.... Always. Then this. All of this has me back to front and so
crazy fucked up. I see you, and I see her, and I honestly don’t know what to do. Tonight, I told her I
wanted to try again, start over with dating again, go back to the start. I made my choice. I wasn’t going
to deal with any of this shit between us anymore. I was going to fix this, put it all back to how it should
be. Safe and neatly labeled as untouchable, platonic, and someone I will always protect. I shouldn’t see
you as anything other than that.” I search her face hopelessly for the answers and break inside when
all I get are tears washing down her cheeks so hopelessly. I hate when she cries, it rips me apart in
every kind of way and more so when I’m the cause. “Then I saw him touching you.” I can’t look at her
while I’m saying all this out loud, like my head is opening up and everything spews out. All the thoughts
that have spiraled and circled for weeks, endlessly torturing my mind and soul. Kicking at the floor with
my boot, in a bid to not fall apart in despair as I talk.
“Before he even put his hands on your throat, I was making my way to you, to talk, to explain. Seeing
another guy touching you, Sophs... Kissing you. I didn’t know if it was wanted, or not at first.” I swallow
hard, moving towards her without even thinking about what ‘am doing, she’s too inviting standing there,
the subject too heart wrenching for me, and I want to be near her. Inhale the sweet scent that is all
Sophie and feel the way she makes me feel when she’s close. Like everything can be okay again.
She’s crying silently, it makes my heart ache as I trace away the soft tears with my fingertips over her
delicate face. Awed by how beautiful she is, even when she cries. Sophie has no concept of how
breathtaking she is in every way. She’s always been my ultimate weakness.
“It didn’t feel the same. It didn’t feel like it used to when I showed up at a club and chased them off. It
felt like I couldn’t breathe, that you were ripping my heart out by kissing some other guy and I saw red.”
I inch closer, needing the calm she always brings me, even when things are this messed up. I need the
magic spell she weaves around me with her touch alone, the silence of her skin when it’s on mine.
Someone with a head like mine, needs an enchantress with this kind of skill to keep me sane. Sophie
takes a sudden deep breath and I know she’s on the verge of new tears.
“I didn’t just hit him because he was hurting you. I hit him because he was touching you, because he
dared to kiss you. And that’s fucked up. How can I be that way with you, after everything? And still tell
her that I want to make this work?” My voice breaks, so much confusion even now, still after all this
time to get used to this. It wrecks what is left of my sanity, that I am no further forward in any sense.
Sophie shakes her head, but like a moth to the light, my fingers are already on her skin, softly tracing
the gentle curve of her jawline and cheek. The perfection of her and how amidst all the chaos, she’s
like a gentle warm island with a soft breeze that gives me a moment to be still. If I could stay here like
this forever, then maybe life would be okay again, bearable, calm, and quiet once more. My fingers
draw downwards and bring attention to the subtle bruising on her skin around her neck where that
asshole had a grip on her, and it makes me feel sick.
The thought that anyone would ever want to hurt Sophie, for any reason, especially not like this. She
never asked for any of the pain that’s thrown her way in life, for men to want to abuse her, and I should
have been there to protect her. That’s always been my purpose in life, since the day I met her, and I
have dropped the ball, ashamed of the failure.
I drag my eyes up to stop the torture the marks are inflicting on me and realize she has her eyes closed
to my touch, breathing slowly and so very still. She looks ethereal like this, free of makeup, hair damp
and hanging in waves she normally dries out straight. It reminds me of how wavy her long hair was
when I met her before she opted for sleek and styled. A simpler time between us. I move close enough
to almost touch noses; it’s automatic, like I have no control but be pulled to the siren she is.
“I tell myself over and over that it’s not morally right to think about you like this. That I can never go
down that road of taking this further, yet all I think about is what it would be like. What being with you
properly would be like. What kissing you felt like, what being close to you does to me.” I lean forward
impulsively, so I almost do touch her and breathe her in, all the scents of the shower and that most
alluring smell of her. Losing myself in the headiness sensation of this intimacy. She trembles, because
of the closeness, the softness of my voice against her and the sheer intensity of the air between us. I
want to be wrapped in her, the stillness that comes from being with her. I need to calm all the chaos in
my head for even just a moment.
“Then I get this close to you, and all I think about is how good you feel, and what it’s like to kiss you.
How many times I’ve wanted to and never allowed.” I gaze at those pouted soft lips, made for kissing,
the sensual curve and gentle color. Aching to have the courage to let it all go and find myself in her kiss
again, because really, I’ve wanted to ever since the night Emma had Ava.
I hesitate, needing it so badly that my whole body is pushing me to just kiss her. Fear consuming me,
that maybe if I do, I won’t have the strength to stop this time. Sophie looks up at me; determination
flashes across that face and she leans up to do what I can’t, boldly, and pushes her mouth against
mine without hesitation. My fearless girl, always going after what she wants in life and for once I’m
going to let her have it. Because I need it too.
I kiss her back, softly, gently. Trying not to let the wave of lust and longing take over and push this to
something more than a kiss that means something. Straining with everything in me to keep control, but
she feels too good, and booze always pushes my sex drive to the forefront. Soft, exploratory, gentle
caressing of lips and mouths, probing of tongue, my hands moving to her hair as I sweep it back out of
his way. I angle in further to get a better mold to her mouth, so I can show her the art of really kissing
her in a way that I want to, aware that my body wants to fully ignite. Everything inside of me is buzzing
and tingling with how kissing her makes me feel, lust joining the crescendo of feelings.
I kiss her like a man kisses the woman he wants to strip naked and make love to all night long. Nothing
holding back, and willingness to surrender myself to her in all ways, killing every other thought in my
head. Sophie’s hands glide up my body, erupting a million sensations and cravings within and I
immediately feel the arousal in my pants growing. Her touch has a way of igniting the longing
effortlessly as though she was made with only the purpose to fire me up. She roams beyond my pecks;
hands skirting my shoulders as I keep kissing her and then my neck, nails raking my hair when she
slides her hands further up sensually.
My body becomes a mass of goosebumps and electricity. My hard on instantly in full glory and I cannot
deny I want sex so badly that I’m almost vibrating from it. I want sex with Sophie, to curb the longing
and cravings she makes me have. To alleviate this madness that’s been my constant bedfellow since
that first kiss.
I pull her against me hard, scooting down so as not to impale her with my dick and maneuver so I am
closer to her height this way. Sophies body signals and roaming hands are urging and pushing me on. I
can tell she wants this too and I have no more reservations about doing this. I want her.
I push her loose robe back off her shoulders a little and the weight of it pulls it further back as it slides
down creamy flawless skin and expanse of shoulders and collarbone. Sophie inhales sharply as the
robe slides, the tie loosening and slips further down to stop at the crook of her elbows, opening fully
and I am given a full unobstructed view of her breasts and abdomen from here. Her lower body
concealed by mine, but it’s more than enough to feel completely humbled by the vision of her.
“You’re so beautiful in every way. So fucking perfect.” Her body looks carved from ivory and I want to
own every part of this, the completion I might find in her. I kiss her again, losing the last ounces of that
self-control and kissing her with fiery lust. Aching so strong at seeing what I can devour, that it
consumes me and quiets my brain fully.
I slide my hands under her hair, entangling my fingers in its damp lengths and tug her into me more
forcefully, so our mouths are forcefully connected. I want to kiss her into submission, have her panting
and longing with every ounce of her body, the way she’s making me feel. I want her to want me as
much as I want her, with the intensity, insanity and desire so strong, it consumes us. I can feel it
between us, the desperation to be joined fully, the passion pulsing as she grips at me and moans subtly
under her breath. I want to make her moan, groan and scream my name.
To end this craziness of the past months and take this step to solidify what we are to each other. I can
barely breathe with the excitement and need in me to do so. My body on fire and urges for sex, driving
me crazy. I let my hands loose to trace her spine, her naked skin, and ignite a fire in my hands. Head
blacking out all but her, my calm in the storm and she owns me in this second. My tongue gliding
against hers, her soft lips mine to tease and suck and nibble.
Kissing her is beyond anything I can ever describe. Just like every other time I’ve kissed her, it only
leaves me wanting more, like an addiction I will never curb. I slide my hands into the open robe and
down her curves, to pull it apart further, intent on one purpose alone. Getting us both naked and being
inside of her. I want her, in every way and tonight I am going to have her. Every inch of that satin skin
around me and give up my entire mind to her. Lose myself in Sophie and see what happens when we
come out the other end, relinquish all control for once and let my instincts, my desires lead the way.
I know it’s because I am still crazily drunk and this way my head can let go a little more, but I don’t
care. I’m in the moment for once, and it feels like where I always should be. I stop kissing her to trace
my mouth up her neck, to kiss away the marks of that asshole and silently promise to never let it
happen again. I push her hair aside to suck and nibble lower, across her collarbone and the soft rise of
her body, leading way to her breast.
I can’t stop, this need to devour every inch of her beautiful body and nothing inside of me is telling me
this is wrong in any way. Sophies hands are on me still, guiding me gently, raking my hair and every
breath, moan, and sigh from her only encourages me to keep going. Her body is yearning as much as
mine and the climax will be stupendous when I get us there. I suck in her nipple, making it peak in my
mouth and almost groan at the way my dick almost tries to rip through my pants. Her skin tastes sweet,
soft, and warm and the urge to rip my clothes off and just do this is overwhelming. I need to slow it
down and take my time, I need to have a little control, despite every part of me longing to pick her up,
back her up against the wall and fuck her hard and steady, until we cum together. The thought of
Sophie orgasming on top of me is a wet dream in itself.
“Arrick?” Natasha’s shocked voice drags us apart quickly, spinning to see her standing in the open
elevator in wide eyed heartbreak. I let go of Sophie and go into some sort of silent shock, poised and
still mode. Like this isn’t real. Unable to really react for a moment.
It’s like a dream and I’m not sure if this is actually happening. My head takes a second to really process
the fact that she is standing there, holding my cell and wallet, which is probably how she got in, and the
realization that if she hadn’t, I would have fucked Sophie without a doubt, probably been starting in
about twenty seconds flat.
I was about to cross all lines, without a care, and Natasha is the only thing stopping me, by presence
alone. I can barely register what Sophie is doing beside me, other than see from the corner of my eye
that she is fixing her robe. I can’t even look at her in this moment. All three of us silent in this agonizing
second of pause. Guilt crashing in, after delayed shock; consuming my insides and making every part
of me wake up in agonizing reality and heaviness. Nothing sobers you up like the sort of girlfriend
catching you sucking another girl’s breasts.
“How could you?” Natasha breaks first, looking from me and then to Sophie accusingly, like this is a
double betrayal and the words stab me in the gut. Ashamed that I could do this to anyone, let alone
her. My brain finally re-engaging. She throws my phone and wallet loudly on the floor out of the elevator
between us, across the space in a weirdly symbolic way; it crashes and slides ungracefully across the
marble, killing the heavy silence, tears blinding her as I hesitate.
Unsure what to do or how to react. I glance at Sophie, who’s looking wild haired, her face flushed from
arousal and her lips kiss swollen. I can’t deny my body still reacts to her in every way, and I know
staying here will be a huge mistake. I’m too drunk, and I’ll go back to what I was doing to her, without
hesitation if Natasha leaves.
Natasha deserves more, especially after I sat in that bar and told her we could start over. I at least owe
it to her to apologize, to grovel a little and talk this out. I have no clue what I’m even going to say or
what I want, head torn between a drunk me, saying ‘fuck it, let her go and screw Sophie into ecstasy’,
and sober me saying ‘Don’t be this asshole, give a shit, care about the girl you loved’.
The doors start to close on her, and I move with lightning speed, indecision gone, instinct and sober
brain overtaking. Crossing the floor in seconds and slamming a hand between them so I can squeeze
through; I’m not the same asshole my father was when my mom caught him having an affair. He didn’t
chase her at first, he didn’t tell her he was sorry, and it almost ended her. I’m not him in this.
Not really thinking this through, and just reacting with panic. I’ll be a better guy. I slide beside Natasha
as she backs into the corner and then slaps me hard venomously across the face, a nothing sting of a
feeble hit that doesn’t do much, except let her vent her heartbreak. The doors are shut, and I just left
Sophie in my apartment without another word, to chase Natasha and I honestly have no clue as to how
I should feel about that. Instant regret that I followed when I should have stayed. Everything inside of
me bitterly hating myself that I left her and how that’s going to look to her. I don’t react to the slap, my
brain upstairs on running out on her, guilt hitting hard, yet here I am, and I need to deal with this. I did
this, I created this situation and I need to fix it or fuck all three of us up for an eternity.
“I trusted you” Natasha is sobbing at me, broken and tiny with huge hurt eyes and a trembling mouth.
All I can do is sigh and fall back against one wall opposite her and bury my face in my hands as I try to
get a grip on this reality. It still feels like a bad dream and my head is still whirring and spinning as I try
to catch up. I can still feel Sophs on my skin, her lips, her taste in my mouth.
“I know. I’m sorry, Tash, I’m an asshole and you deserve better.” It’s all I can say. I mean it, even if it
really is lame as apologies go, I do feel bad for what I’m doing to both of them, but I don’t have a clue
how to fix any of it. Sophie deserves more than this mess. She deserves a guy who wouldn’t make her
endure this, or leave her up there to chase his ex.
It hits me like a blow that I just fucked up where she’s concerned, again. By leaving her like I did – I just
told her that Natasha means more. Maybe I should evaluate that it was a gut reaction, and maybe she
does mean more than I keep giving her credit for, I mean, I am here aren’t I. I chose to follow her.
“Have you been sleeping with her all along? Is she the reason for all this weirdness and breaking up?”
She’s howling at me, the sounds of a shredded heart and broken soul and all I can do is stare at the
black floor of the elevator and feel a ten-ton lead weight consume me. A horrid gut-wrenching
hollowness kicking in.
Nothing sobers you up faster than reality hitting you in the face in this momentous way. I should have
told her the truth weeks ago, but I was selfish and a coward, and maybe this right here is the head that
needed to come before anything changed.
“No sex, but yes... she’s the reason I ended things with us, because I don’t know how I feel about her.
We kissed a few times.” I lean my head back against the metal interior and look at the roof instead,
avoiding the tearful shaking mess across from me, huddled tight and holding herself against the
opposite wall, and feeling like the biggest shit head on the planet.
“You were going to have sex with her, if I hadn’t walked in?” Her voice is shaking, her tears pouring
down her cheeks, which is weird to see as she rarely loses it in front of anyone and it just serves to cut
me more. I am starting to feel strangely detached from reality right now, emotions numbing out and my
brain keeps tugging back to Sophie and wondering what she’s doing right now, how she’s reacting to
my leaving her there. I never even brought my cell to text her, not that I should. Natasha would fucking
castrate me if I whipped it out and did that.
I can’t do a thing except follow through and talk to Natasha before I go home and talk to her and try to
salvage what may be left. Sophs will be hating on my like crazy and that thought alone makes me feel
sick.
“Yes. I was.” I won’t lie. I would have gone through with it without hesitation. If I stayed up there, I know
I would still have followed through even now. I can’t get the feel of her off my body.
“It’s because I don’t give you sex enough isn’t it, because we are stale in that way? Do you love her?”
Natasha moves towards me, no longer howling, but still gulping hard with a torrent of tears washing her
face, she looks devastated, face contorted unattractively as she claws at what’s left of my heartstrings.
I shake my head, unable to even begin explaining the multi-facetted layers of my feelings towards
Sophie. It’s never been about sex, until now and as for love, I think I maybe could be in love with both. I
just don’t know anymore. The feelings are all muddled and confusing and I can’t separate duty, care,
responsibility and affection form sex and lust and all that other shit.
“I’ll try harder, I’ll give you more sex, spice it up, do things you want to do.” She’s begging me, clinging
to my arm and it feels like the tables are shifting. She doesn’t even give me a chance to answer her
question on whether I love Sophie. Momentarily confused that she is now begging me to give her a
chance when she just caught me cheating on her. Blanching at her, completely stupefied for a moment
unable to process her reaction.
“Tasha, I just cheated on you.... Why are you asking me to let you try harder?” I blink at her in utter
confusion. Losing a modicum of respect for her in this moment. Sophie would tear me a new one, and
cut me out of her life if the role was reversed, probably cut my balls off too; she may even still do that,
because I was stupid enough to leave her there and the thought sickens me.
“Because I can get past it, I see where we are failing, and I know we can fix this. We can do better. I
won’t hold this against you, Arrick. I need you. I love you and I’ll die without you.” She breaks into
another sob and throws her body into mine, so I have no choice but to hug her back, and suddenly
realize how awkward this feels. How alien it is to hug someone who has been my girlfriend for two
years. I can’t remember the last time we hugged for anything, we don’t touch often, except with sex or
the odd kiss on the cheek, or arm in arm when at dinner. Touch between us feels weird and only
highlights that what she is saying is true. We don’t touch or get intimate anymore.
“Natasha...” I start to talk but she leans up fast and covers my mouth with her fingertips to silence me.
Panic in her eye and a frantic energy wafting up from her.
“You loved me once, we used to be so good together. Please let us try Arrick, please give me a chance
to find us again and see if we can love one another properly once more. If it doesn’t work, then I will
walk away without any drama. I just need a chance to make you happy.” She blinks up at me, heart on
her face in full view, broken, torn, and devastated and guilt sucker punches me in a way I can’t combat.
Every part of me aching with it painfully, swallowing hard when she’s basically begging me, in my face
with all sorrow on show.
Good guy Arry is having too much of a hellish time, to reject her. So confused in this, in her reaction to
what she just saw. My head on Sophie and yet, enough doubt in me to hesitate at what she is asking.
Looking down at our bodies held closely, I try to feel something more than uncomfortable, realizing this
is because of how we have let things get between us. Months if not more, of letting things between us
become stagnant and empty.
I did love her once, I’m sure of it, because how else did I convince myself to settle for one girl when I
was a complete slut before. This is as much my fault as hers for how we even got here. Sophie’s love
confession came at a time when I was falling out of love with her, doubting my life, bored in my
relationship and looking for happier pastures, and I wonder had it come in the first year would we even
be here right now.
When I was invested in Natasha, happier, and still content enough to be with her. I’m not disloyal
normally, I abhor cheating; it makes me feel despicable and all of this raises a million more doubts and
questions for me.
“I don’t know, Tash.... I need to think, we need to talk. I’ll come with you and we will do that, but I’m
making no promises.” I sigh, strangely defeated and tense when she wraps herself around me fully,
sliding her arms in about my waist and rests her head on my heart. It doesn’t feel the way Sophie feels
but I can’t think about that now. I need to focus on the here and now.
“I wouldn’t know how to survive without you. I would kill myself.” She whispers breathily, and the tears
sting my eyes, that heavy pit in my heart comes back full force with painful intensity. Instant guilt
coursing through me at the realization that I can’t just walk away and discard her.
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